Today I cast fresh doubts.

Today I am assured that it is only the internalisation of what I think and feel that allows me to ignore the berating of the outside world and form my own, indomitable opinions of everything; largely based on an antiquated set of teachings that are insoluble with today’s society.

This is why the world and I don’t get along- why I’m curious, suspicious and inquisitive; and why I’ll never be fully understood.

A eulogy full of question marks awaits me.  A future of stern, calculating gazes is what I can offer. Beyond that one can never know for sure.

All under the guise of making things better.

I have no idea what this will entail,

but to me it appears as if I shall be co-locating with new people; a stand-in mother, a soccer-mad sister- and that’s just the beginning.

Might be time to steel myself for more interference than I’m prepared for.

Alas, the proposed solution to fix my family may just mean that I have to accept that the stand-in mother wants to be just that;

Someone I’m supposed to confide in,

Trust in,

Love and respect.

For all the ways in which I appreciate Nat, I just don’t know if I’m ready yet.

Although I don’t want my own mother back (good heavens, no), all this talk of ‘plans’ gets me all irked.

Wish me luck.

Nothing in life prepares you for this.

May just be time to hold one’s nose and dive right in.

I would have cashed in on my tax return.

Kicked the snot out of my university subjects.

Expanded the social circle, having a ball…

Made inroads elsewhere.

Nay.

Babysitting a bunch of adults who can’t take care of themselves;

Ensuring dim sims and nachos aren’t their staple diets,

Making sure they get off to work on time in a presentable fashion.

You can call me mum, I guess (or Dad- whichever, whatever) – seems like an apt title to me.

So really at the moment I’m picking up the pieces where Mum left off. Doubling back when I should be moving forward.

Hell, I’m the only one who can. No-one is else around to help Peter and Jacinta and they certainly weren’t brought up in a fashion which allows them to fend for themselves.

Sigh. So the wait continues.

The wait for a chance to escape.

To find inroads to my dream job, dream career, goals and such-

But I guess for now that’ll have to wait.

Unlike my mother, I can give enough of a shit about my family to hold myself back.

Instead of bail when life isn’t satisfying.

I’ve got very little left to lose.

Therefore giving everything is a fairly simple task,

One I find great joy in,

One I expect to reap great benefits from.

So that in a few years time when I look back on today, I’ll know I made the right choice-

That praetorian is a fitting title:

Giving all until nothing is left,

Selfless and wise-

Keen and strong-

Honest and forthwith.

I’ve tried, Lord knows I have.

Most times I make a move, I induce discomfort.

Every time I hang back, I wait forever.

So what’s the right balance?

Is there some unknown variation of the two strategies that yields results?

Or am I just too blind to see that something is fatally wrong with me or my approach?

I’m just not sure it’s worth it.

I’m undercut as soon as I step outside my comfort zone and returned to square one.

My heart feels like a box of iron sitting in my chest, elements inside clanging about like a poorly-maintained machine.

Perhaps it’s broken.

Perhaps its finally failed.

Perhaps there was nothing I could do to stop it, given all that’s happened as of late.

Or maybe I’m just over it.

You came into the world crying and cold.

You spent your darkest times sullen and cold, hands shaking from the anger whilst the mind boiled over.

The future is uncertain, pending on the next two years.

Is there something you look back on? Something you hold dear that brings the smile back to your face?

Mostly no, save for a few scarce, yet treasured memories.

Broken hearts and shattered families shower your spirit with a bitter-tasting ceaseless rain of memories too painful to enjoy, yet too important to discard like the gum wrappers of simpler times.

Face it, it’s all you know.

With white-glaring knuckles you deal with it, clearing the mind with the stinging of tightly-clenched fists.

Teeth biting together and eyes glistening above shadowed eyelids.

In the meantime you’re convinced you’re content-

Whilst undeniably in love and a state of suspension,

Dreams on hold whilst the cracks in the pavement ahead open up ever wider.

Pfft. Nul, c’est la vie.

The pavement’s there. That’s all that’s important when the path less traveled begins to grow over.

Forks and crossroads are yet to come.

More reasons to tread carefully and keep believing.

All the motivation you need to stay true to what you think and what you feel.

Because when your life is evaluated in the future, what will you be remembered for?

My skin crawled and burned whilst the cards were laid out before me.

My heart is fortified, yet inside its strong exterior there are stress lines where constant battering threatens to bring it low.

I am surrounded by chauvinism, materialism, arrogance, selfishness and hatred.

Moral sensitivity appears to be a less attractive quality, second now to one’s ability to listen to the piercing cries of carnal desires.

Gallantry is near-dead, death throes dying away under the visage of instantaneous gratification.

Through the torrent of bullshit I at least know one thing; of the few sources of inspiration left to me, the most potent source of inspiration is the knowledge that you are still capable of smiling and the cheer that makes you so incredibly beautiful is not yet lost from face or your eyes.

The dearest of memories I hold close to me are those in which I am with you, and when I am with you and you are happy, nothing else matters.

I’ve been trying my hardest to keep it shut for hours, although I must admit it is now becoming increasingly difficult.

The burst blood vessel in my left eye has apparently taken a nose-dive into a big black pool of nastiness; current approximated diagnosis: subconjunctival haemorrahage with secondary superior varicosity. Current prognosis: TBC pending specialist appointment tomorrow morning.

I’m not worried per se, merely frustrated. This happened at the worst possible time. The  Commerce Society Ball is on Thursday and I’m going to look like a pirate (or at the least suffering from a  multiple personality complex, with a particularly evil left side) depending on whether or not I have this issue fixed tomorrow and am issued with a swanky eye patch.  Not to mention MSC is coming down next week. Le sigh.

At a point like this I’m completely unable to anything to rectify my current situation, so I might as well get in the mood early; providing for both eventualities.

Yarr, I be a pirate and be willin’ to be stealin’ yer treasure, yarr. Generally I’d be inclined to a Captain Jack Sparrow impression, but he doesn’t wear an eyepatch so it doesn’t work here.

OR

I shall not only abduct all of the world’s unskilled labour and force them to construct a mighty edifice in my honour, I shall pay them in peanut m&m’s. Since peanut m&m’s are oh-so-tasty, quarreling over workers’ wages will surely ensue and I can watch the world spiral into chaos as Mars struggles to maintain adequate supplies to sustain the world’s desperate hunger for one more peanutty-chocolatey hunk of otherworldly goodness.

Either way, I’ll be attracting the same sort of attention. So therefore, wit a yar and a muah-ha-ha, I shall bid all of thee adieu and await the outcome of tomorrow’s appointment.

Anon.

I can sleep now, which is good; and I’m making a huge dint in my readings for university.

For now, I’ve just got to wait for this new bankcard… Fraudulent bloody internationals, haha.

Once I get that back, things’ll be pretty good, methinks.

Three hours worth of lectures on the one topic tomorrow sounds like fun- at least I’ll have the gym tomorrow night to vent all of my frustration out in a weight-pumping rage.

Can’t wait, I’m feeling particularly energetic at the  moment, for a number of reasons.

Excuses to smile are never a bad thing. Hell, I plan on making many more in the near future- beats the crap out of where I was a month ago.

‘Till next time, anon et adieu.

<3

All sorts of suggestions have been made to try to help me, yet none have been successful.

This low point is not so much hurtful as it is anger-inspiring; if this debacle hadn’t ever happened I never would have been in the position I am now, feeling just a little soulless.

The lunacy doesn’t seem to want to stop. I’ve just found out mum’s attended seminars on how to be  a financial success from one of the biggest con-men in Australia. The spiraling downwards accelerates on a daily basis; I just wonder at what point it is going to cease.

I’m so disgusted by this whole situation. I know I’m physically exhausted; I have to be. I just don’t physically feel that way- my level of energy is at preternatural levels; I am awake early and heading to bed at absurd times, and I don’t feel tired then either.

As much as I’d like to escape from this I can’t. My father’s and what remains of my family’s emotional comfort somewhat depends on it. For now, I’ll take it all as it comes and eagerly await any opportunity to speak about this ludicrous position I’m in.

Anon. <3

Can’t blame a man. Being firmly fixed to a desk 5 days a week is hard to compare with the experience of university.

As of yesterday the chains were broken; and I think I prefer things this way for the time being.

No bullshit. Just university and those friends who make trudging into LT1 day after day totally worth the effort.

A good chance of euphoria is on the horizon. I can’t wait for early April. The excitement is creeping in already.

If things are sorted as far as the parentals go, I might just be so bold as to say I’m looking at life being even better than this time last year.

Fingers crossed. Prayers muttered. Braced in. Waiting.

Should make for a fun ride.